How to be a Bigot - or a 'peruvian'

Well, we all know how to be a bigot. Or at least we do now. One need only be a thinking and articulate person and ask the right questions of the wrong man at an appropriate time to be a bigot. Simple!

Being a 'peruvian' though is something else. Having a bad attitude, a big mouth (and a big foot to put into it!) doesn't quite cut the mustard on that one. They help, of course - but to be a real 'peruvian' you need talent and application and a certain aptitude for the role.

I hadn't thought of the word 'peruvian' for many years until I read about Gillian Duffy today - and I only thought about it then because Mrs Duffy reminded me quite strongly of my mother. Like my mother, Mrs Duffy is definitely not a woman to be trifled with.

My mother was not a native English speaker. Some of the words she used were therefore incorrect - or incorrectly applied. Most of the time we at home could work out where those words originated - we all knew for example, that an 'advocado' wasn't a foreign lawyer, but was something green with a big stone in it that ended up on your plate. We never, though, got to the bottom of 'peruvian'.

To our knowledge, my mother knew no one from Peru, had never met anyone from Peru and had nothing against Peruvians, but she applied the words 'he's a peruvian' to describe a certain kind of person so often that we all knew exactly what she meant.

After today's exhibition - so do you. Gordon Brown is a 'peruvian'. And his grovelling apology to Mrs Duffy can never change that fact in her eyes, or mine.

The FSB Has - Very Usefully - Summarised the Main Manifestos

The Federation of Small Businesses has summarised the manifesto's of each of the three main parties to make it easier for SMEs to see what each party proposes to do for small business. They have also included Plaid Cymru's manifesto, and that of the Scottish Nationalist Party.

You can find the link to the summaries on the Federation's Home Page under the title "What will the main parties do for small businesses" - and obviously it's worth taking the time to read all of them.

Obviously, too, manifestos are only promises - and all too frequently contain promises that are never kept - but it is interesting to see how important the needs of SMEs have become to the parties fighting this election, and how far they are each prepared to go to woo the SME vote.

Well - better late than never! I suppose that even politicians had eventually to realise that it's small business that turns the big wheel...

It's the Sprats, Not the Mackerels, That Really Matter

There's always been a tendency to concentrate on collecting big debts, rather than small ones - and it's always been a mistake.

The real question is, you see: how many sprats equal a mackerel?

Quite often, there are enough neglected shoals of sprats lying about on a ledger to equal more than one mackerel - and the fact is that sprats are generally easier to catch.

Small debtors tend to respond more quickly and more positively to letters and telephone calls than larger companies. They are less demanding; less likely to come back with time-consuming price queries, or requests for discounts or deductions - and if they have a problem they are much more likely to say so. And they are a whole lot more likely to agree to - and stick to! - reasonable re-payment plans!

Money from small debtors tends to come in in dribs and drabs - but those dribs and drabs can improve your cash-flow steadily, and on an on-going basis, if you work at getting that money in.

Things are improving - albeit very slowly - for everyone. So now is a fairly good time to catch your sprats - particularly if, having neglected them, you have given them a pleasant respite and some time to consolidate, catch up, and get back on their feet.

You shouldn't, of course, forget your mackerels - but you shouldn't give them all of your attention to the exclusion of everything else, either. Obviously every Bank Manager loves a large deposit of funds - but small regular deposits that accrue over a period of time paint a picture of stability much dearer to their careful, fearful, Goblin hearts.

Look after your pence. Your bank will appreciate your pounds. But not, I fear, by very much at the moment...

Coca-Cola Needs Another Advertising Agency

I have to say that I sometimes despair of large companies that are obviously out of touch with reality and totally in thrall to advertising agencies whose personnel do not (apparently) live on the same planet as the rest of us.

Last Wednesday the Forum of Private Business criticised Coca-Cola for condoning sick days in an advert - and very rightly found its comments featured on the BBC News.

The Glaceau Vitamin Water advert, which caused the Forum of Private Business to comment in the first place, stated: "The trick is to stay perky and use sick days to just, not go in."

Really? At a time when employee absence is costing the UK's economy almost £12bn-a-year in lost working days - and 'staying perky' by failing to turn up for work would very likely see yet another person standing in a line at the job centre - Coca-Cola's spokesperson's comment that the advert was: "clearly a tongue in cheek reference" and "one of a series of fictional stories" on the bottle, failed to impress anyone at the FPB.

It didn't impress me either - and I can't help feeling that Coca-Cola might be incorrect in its assumption that this advertisement will "help demonstrate the brand's personality". Well - not unless the brand's personality is intended to be careless of the public welfare, ignorant of current affairs, and more than a wee bit dumb.

This is not, by the way, the first time that Coca-Cola has put its foot in its mouth with its advertising slogans. In October 2009 Coca-Cola was criticised by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) for presenting "misleading" claims about nutritional benefits. That particular advert insisted that the product had "more muscles than brussels". Complaints were made because the implication was that the drinks were equivalent to vegetables and had health benefits - which is hardly likely considering the huge sugar content of most of the Company's products. Obesity? What's that?

If you're in the advertising business - and I don't care if you're a one man band - I really would suggest that you put in a tender for this job. This is a brand that needs a lot of help...

Your Fuel Costs - And The Good Old FPB

It's always worth reading the news articles on the Forum of Private Business . They are immensely informative - even when they are very depressing.

The recent article relating to the price of fuel is very depressing indeed. Fuel is running at 119.9 pence a litre now - and some anylysts predict that it could reach as much as 150 pence per litre over the summer.

According the article I read, increases in VAT and fuel duty between December 2008 and April this year have increased the Government's income from fuel tax by 12.5%. The FPB believes that increases on such a scale are unsustainable for small business in the best of times, and is calling for the further increases scheduled for October (one pence) and January 2011 (another 0.76 pence) to be scrapped.

In the meantime, the FPB is - as usual - doing its best to help its members.

The Forum has developed a range of business solutions to support SME's. If you are looking to save on fuel costs - and other things! - the one to investigate is the Forum's Purchasing Director.

Through the Forum's Purchasing Director, members can access the Fuel Card Programme, which is provided in conjunction with The Fuelcard Company . The Fuelcard Company offers a choice of eight different fuel cards - and they are FREE to members of the Forum.

There are a lot of benefits attached to this particular deal for SMEs - better control of fuel costs, preferential fuel prices, consolidated VAT invoices approved by HMRC, and freedom from binding contracts. And Fuelcard Company also provides a complete - and FREE - fuel analysis, which could lead to further savings.

For more information, call 0845 612 6266 or visit the Forum .

Small Business, Big Vote - and What People Want

I just watched the Federation of Small Businesses campaign video. You can find it under "Small Business - Big Vote".

It doesn't exactly tell you in so many words where to put your vote, but it does goes a long way toward telling whatever Government we eventually get what people really want.

It's a very thought provoking video, and it's worth watching simply because it doesn't just concentrate on the big issues, but pays attention to the small ones - the things that tend to get left behind in the shuffle and leave people feeling irritated and disillusioned and unimportant.

Let's hope somebody somewhere in the coming Government will listen, read, and inwardly digest the facts of what people really want. Rather than what they think people really ought to want - or what they want themselves.

Hopeful Signs of The Times - Happy Easter Everyone

When we arrived in France - almost six years ago now - Madame Bigot (who then owned the fish shop) told me that it never, ever, snowed in Richelieu.

It snowed that year - an extraordinary event that caused even French drivers to slow to a crawl, and brought the local photographer out on the street taking pictures of this supposedly 'one-off event'.

It's snowed every year since.

We've had five very bad winters here now - and this year the winter was extraordinarily bad. Looking out of the sitting room window at my wife's garden - full of plants that were used to much warmer winters and that have been shrouded in frost or buried in snow for five winters on the trot - I thought that very few of them would survive to see another Spring.

But most of them have. When I walked around the garden today, I found that that nine-tenths of the plants had not only survived, but had grown and spread. With care - and some sunshine - they'll flourish.

Think about it. And Happy Easter!

The Government is Wooing a Maiden - But it Doesn't have Marriage in Mind

You must have noticed, I'm sure, what a cornucopia of goodies has recently showered down upon the heads of previously neglected and despised SMEs.

The task force set up on April 1st by Lord Mandleson in order to help struggling SMEs to get bank loans is just the most recent of example of this unexpected shower of sympathy, goodwill, and (alas, only potential!) gold.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been around for a very long time, and I've lived a very full life, and I have to say that it seems to me that whilst this Government is certainly wooing a maiden, it's a quickie behind the bicycle sheds before the end of term rather than a marriage that it has in mind.

Wise maidens keep their heads out of the clouds and their feet on the ground and test the proffered pearls on their teeth before they uncross their legs. I suggest you do likewise.

Lord Sugar, Mr Wright, Political Rhetoric and a 'Nice Little War'

A new task force was launched today by the Department for Business . The task force will be advising the Government as to how to ensure that small companies are treated fairly and properly when trying to access bank finance.

The task force will be made up of Lord Sugar, John Wright (the outgoing Chairman of the Federation of Small Business , and former Lloyd's TSB Deputy Chief Executive, Mike Fairey.

That should be interesting.

Five months ago Mr Wright called for Lord Sugar's resignation. That was when Lord Sugar described struggling companies as "moaners" living in "Disney World", and told a business audience that eighty-five per cent of the small businesses applying for bank loans were more in need of a bankruptcy adviser and added: "I can honestly say a lot of problems you hear from people who are moaning are from companies I wouldn't lend a penny to."

Mr. Wright and Lord Sugar are now said to be "on good terms" - but there's already a political row brewing that could soon become what used to be called 'a nice little war'. Richard Lambert, the Director General of the Confederation of British Industry , described the proposal as "dotty" and declared "it will never see the light of day, is quite unworkable and pure political rhetoric."

Lord Mandleson was quite cross about that, but I won't bore you with his comments. You've heard them all so many times before that you could probably recite them in your sleep.

Going back to Mr. Lambert's comments:

I'm not sure about "dotty", given that, according to research carried out by Graydon UK and the Forum of Private Business one in five SMEs have been refused funding and do not know why their bank rejected their loan application.

I'm not sure about "unworkable" either, because I think the task force could work.

Unfortunately, I am quite sure about the "pure political rhetoric" - and that's what's going to make this task force "potty" and its task "unworkable".